This is an oldie, but a goodie. The carry on at the Rugby World Cup opening ceremony brought it to mind. Original source unknown.

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2015, the organisers of Porirua City’s bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY. The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Titahi Bay area), wearing the traditional tea cosy. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS. In previous Olympic games, Porirua competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT. Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES. As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.).

SHOOTING. A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas style wages delivery man.

BOXING. Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Lion Brown while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS. Competitors will be asked to break into the Mana College bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

MODERN PENTATHLON. Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING. Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over Paremata. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 50KM WALK. Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Cannons Creek.

GYMNASTICS. Will now be held in Taylor Prestons meat works, and will include carcass vaulting and swinging from meat hooks.

RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS. All competitors will be graded on their ability to sway drunkenly to Metallica/Tupac.

RELAY. Involves four competitors removing an appliance of their choice from a house in Tawa and getting back to Waitangirua using at least four stolen cars.

DISCUS. Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a Holden and throw it to his mate the fastest.

ROWING. The 500 metre skull will be changed to the 500 litre scull and promises to be the most hotly contested event. Many, many, many athletes are currently in training in secret locations through out the city (Lovelocks, Top Tavern, Brodrick)

THE CLOSING CEREMONY. Entertainment will include formation rave-dancing by the members of the Porirua Hospital in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Linden Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.